Handling Jealousy 101
Dana Al Rashid
Illustration by Aude Nasr (@ahlan.my.darlings)
Jealousy is one of the most difficult feelings to admit to. We may openly express anger, sadness, or other so-called ‘negative’ emotions. But when it comes to jealousy, we tend to hide it or express it in passive-aggressive ways. Why? This is because jealousy exposes our vulnerability. It tells us that there is someone superior to us in a certain area, that we are not perfect, and that there may be some more work that we need to do on ourselves.
But, of course, it is easier to project this dissatisfaction with ourselves onto someone else—namely the victim of our jealousy. And so, we nitpick and emphasize their humanly shortcomings to feel a little better about ourselves and a little less threatened.
Sometimes, we make up flaws they don’t have or exaggerate their existing ones. One might say, “Yeah, she might be a good singer, but she’s not good-looking,” or, “They may be book smart, but they are not street smart, like me!” Here’s another accusation I overhear often: “He may be successful, but I am sure he cut some corners getting there.” The rationalizations go on and on, while these people continue thriving and becoming better versions of themselves.
First, let’s acknowledge that jealousy is a natural, human feeling, and that we’ve all experienced it at some point. It is actually such a primitive reaction that it has been documented in animals as well! If you are jealous of someone, it is important to admit it to yourself as the first step towards healing, though your mind will very likely keep denying that you are jealous in the first place. Therefore, it is good to honestly ask yourself the following questions: Do I wish to have what they have? Do I wish to be in their shoes? Do I think that I can do a much better job if given the same opportunity?
If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, then you are very likely to be experiencing jealousy.
But jealousy does not always have to be so negative. It can be the best fuel to motivate us to work harder. I believe that all human emotions exist for a reason, and it is up to us to harness our emotions and make the best use of them, including tricky emotions that society deems ‘bad’.
Instead of projecting anger and hate onto your target, try to study how they got where they are, then shift your attention and focus more on bettering yourself. It is that simple. It is also important to ask yourself why do you want what they have; is it really the ultimate form of happiness? This is especially important if it’s a material thing that you are seeking. Remember that success in any form requires a lot of time and dedication, whether it is career success or fitness goals.
Now, what do you do if someone is jealous of you? Jealousy can be extremely toxic and destructive if left unhandled, especially if we are talking about a close relationship, such as a friend from the community, or even a family member. These people would be very comfortable in making an enemy out of you because they feel threatened by your success, wealth, beauty, or whatever unique quality you have. To do so, they are very likely going to make passive-aggressive comments to trigger you, or spread rumors around; don’t let them go that far.
Try to handle the situation with maturity, compassion, and understanding. Include these people in your activities and share goodness and success with them, even if it feels challenging at times. This will show them that your intentions are good, and that you are a friend, not a threat. Try not to flaunt your best qualities in front of them, whether it’s your beautiful hair or successful career, so you won’t fuel their fire any further. Acknowledge and openly point out their more positive traits, for deep down all they need is a little love and attention; don’t we all?
Build a strong foundation for yourself, just like the little piggy with the brick house, so that when these reckless winds of toxicity blow on you, you won’t be affected, for you have the pillars of your good deeds, supportive friends, and a decent reputation to protect you.
Unfortunately, sometimes jealousy cannot be helped. At times, people just won’t budge no matter how well you treat them. It is best to simply let go in this case and accept that things can’t be perfect all the time. Give yourself credit, for you did your part the best way you could. Here, it is actually dangerous to continue extending bridges, as they may be used against you. Your best bet is to minimize contact with these people but remain courteous.
At the end of the day, jealousy is human and it is up to us to handle it gently and with a deeper understanding rather than impulsively react to it. This way, the situation will lead to more growth. And who knows? Maybe something fruitful can come out of it all.
Dana Al Rashid is a writer and artist from Kuwait. She writes in Al Jarida newspaper and has also published English poems and articles in various magazines, oftentimes illustrated. In her blog, Reflecting Moon, more intimate poetry and articles can be found.