Weaning from the Family Home

Illustration by Dana Al Rashid

Times are changing, and the prospect of living alone is being laid on the table in even some of the most conservative, family-based societies, like those of The Gulf.

Understandable, because there are many new factors in our modern societies that would encourage one to live alone, whether it is the need for freedom and independence from the family household, or simply out of convenience – such as moving closer to work.

Nowadays, people are spending a longer time finishing their studies and life expenses are on the rise. These factors mean the marriage age has become much higher, while some people are choosing to stay single altogether. In Kuwait, statistics show a 5.2% decline in marriage rate and a 2.9% increase in divorce cases in 2017[1].

Classically, the only ‘acceptable’ way of living outside the family house here is getting married. Other options include studying abroad or moving closer to work, but these choices have a more temporary quality to them. 

Moving away just for the sake of independence itself is highly stigmatized in our societies. Your parents might feel that they have completely failed and that you have abandoned them. Your morals will be in question. If – by a slight chance – they accept your decision, it is very likely that they would keep it a secret, shamefully hiding it from the extended family.

But the younglings must leave the nest at some point; it is a part of the natural cycle for all living beings, a vital experience that one should try out, even if it’s just studying abroad. Getting in trouble and figuring it out on your own is truly character building. 

We live in sheltered and economically privileged societies. To be honest, most of us lack basic survival and home-making skills. Many don’t know how to operate a stove, a washing machine, or even make our own beds. Having a socially restrictive system – especially for young women – where you are limited in your whereabouts, interactions, and have an unreasonable curfew for as long as you are single, can truly stunt a person’s growth. 

Like Hansel and Gretel, the witch (which is really a metaphor of the “Dark Mother”) has overfed us, indulging us in a friction-free life so she can eat us, another metaphor of regressing us back into the womb, according to Jungian psychology.

But despite all of this being said, I am still on the fence about making the growing “independent living” trend a norm in the region, no matter how tempting it is. It seems that many of us are so eager to leave home that we don’t really think about its consequences thoroughly.

In the West, this system of independent living came about for economic reasons, mainly because of neo-capitalism. Families could no longer provide for the children for long because life has gotten too expensive. People would leave their small towns in search of a better paying job in the city, a job that would often enslave them for more than nine hours on the daily. 

I feel that independent living has been glamourized in the media because it simply makes more money for big companies; they’d make more revenue out of us with a fragmented economy where everybody must pay for their own rent and food rather than pitch in for the “family home”. Progressively, salaries have also been fragmented and have decreased in value since everybody is out there fending for themselves in the name of “freedom” and individuality.

I mean, of course, living alone sounds like it could be fun and exciting, but the “single” Western system promotes jumping from one instant gratification to the next without building anything tangible for the future, such as a steady life partner, a fulfilling career and a wholesome social network. 

While the Western – namely American – media may show people as these ageless, invincible beings with very little representation of life after 40, there are dire consequences that nobody is talking about.

There are several documentaries out there depicting the “Ageing and Dying Alone” Syndrome, where bodies of old people are found days after their death. For instance, the  documentary Dying Alone: Kodokushi[2] depicts old Japanese people facing this cruel fate of death and loneliness.

This phenomenon is not unique to Japan, unfortunately. There are several volunteering programs in America and Europe that combat the loneliness of aging where a volunteer would visit an elderly person and call them a couple of times a week to keep them company. For example, the Silver Line Call Center in the UK keeps lonely people company through confidential phone calls. [3]

But I am sure nobody wants to be put in this situation. Most would fantasize about being surrounded by their family and community, sharing their wisdom with their grandchildren in their older days. But, alas, in most cases they would lose touch with their own children, who probably live in another city altogether. Murky picture, I know, but such is the result of individualistic living. In a consumer culture, people are seen as commodities with an expiration date that comes when they can no longer work as ‘efficiently’ or when they lose their youth and beauty. Friendship becomes shallow in this context, a mere exchange of benefits, and family is far away. Living ‘out of context’, so to speak, makes us vulnerable both emotionally and economically.

This is why I fear that normalizing the single living lifestyle in the Gulf may gradually disintegrate the family system – like the case in the West – and leave us impoverished in the long run. Yet, the need to lead an independent life without the iron clasp of traditions is an urgent, and very valid need. So, what could be the solution?

First, we need to assess why many of us are so eager to leave home. I believe one of the main reasons is the lack of transparency in Arab families. It is sad that many of us can never be our true selves with our own families, but may fully open up to people we met just a few months ago.

Therefore, we need to cultivate communication within the family to allow at least a little bit more transparency in. Families need to show more flexibility and openness, and we can gently guide them towards that. If it’s proved to be difficult in our generation, we can build values of acceptance and understanding within us so that our future children could enjoy stronger family bonds and more honest relationships.

Another thing we could do is build a supportive community of people who share similar views and interests, sharing different activities and social events. This will create a powerful social circle and long-lasting friendships to have our back when the going gets tough, whether we are still in the family house or not.

An alternative solution that is highly applicable is to continue living in the family household, but build a separate apartment within the house. Increasing physical space can create more autonomy. This way, you can get the best of both worlds.

As mentioned before, studying and working abroad can give you the benefits of independent living in a tryout fashion. Should you choose to continue living abroad, this would be an easier path for breaking the news.

Marriage terms need to be simplified and made more flexible. The dowry and celebrations don’t have to be so expensive and overwhelming, and families should give the married couple enough freedom without meddling in their business. People should have the freedom to choose the person they are going to continue, ideally, the rest of their lives with. Hopefully, this will encourage couples to get married and move out independently while still having the support of each other and the blessings of the family.

Of course, it is absolutely understandable that sometimes, one must absolutely move out on their own for one reason or the other, even if it’s simply the need for independence. If so, one must try their best to build a sustainable life for the long run, and maybe not cut all bonds with the family altogether.

In the end, I do feel optimistic about the future. The Gulf is going through major changes and people are opening up gradually. Perhaps a successful union between family and independence will eventually sprout up, but we will have to be willing to do the hard work for it to happen.

[1]: Al Anbaa’ newspaper, 16/7/2018. Source.

[2]: Link.

[3]: Link.

Dana Al Rashid is a writer and artist from Kuwait. She writes in Al Jarida newspaper and has also published English poems and articles in various magazines, including Unootha, Sekka Magazine, Sail Magazine, Jaffat El Aqlam, and many more. In her blog Reflecting Moon, more intimate poetry and articles can be found.