Home is Not a Place but a Feeling
BY Malak Altaeb
Photograph courtesy of Malak Altaeb.
The idea of a home usually begins with our families and loved ones. As children, we immediately connect the concept of home to our parents and the first house we ever live in. It can be the place we would call home forever and we might end up with multiple homes but we associate it with our parents for the most part. However, it is not always linked to a homeland. We grow up and see nations being proud of their nationality and praising it.
I lived in my home country, Libya, my whole life and regardless of it being where my house was, I never felt that it was really my home, until the revolution broke out and somehow, I found myself displaced and there was a very high chance that I would never go back home. I was only 18 at that time and I had hopes and plans for the future and never thought of my country from a home point of view; it was never part of the equation or in my plans.
When the revolution broke out, I found myself seeing my home from a different angle. The idea of moving out was unbearable and I remember the last glance I had from the car window when we were leaving our house behind. I discovered a love that was hidden for so long.
However, after living in my country my whole life, I left home in 2018 in pursuit of a higher degree. Coming to France was a faraway idea, but it happened, and I am sure it did for a good reason. Being a graduate student in France has been amazing so far, but my heart and mind are still back home with my loved ones and I fear for their safety while trying to build a future for myself; it is an inner conflict I have been dealing with for quite some time.
There is still this connection with home, but it is still not the place I see myself living in because of the conflict, and I never saw my future there anyway. The love I hold for my homeland will always remain; deciding to leave and search for myself and my home doesn’t make me any less of a Libyan.
I have been attacked by so many people, even strangers, ever since I left, who assumed that I have been living abroad my entire life. I’ve been told that I don’t have the right to engage in any conversation about home because I am not physically in it, and I would find myself justifying the reasons why I left when I didn’t have to.
There is still this idea of having a link with a geographical location, and that you need to be present in it to consider it a home. Leaving was my choice and I don’t owe it to anyone. I found a quote by Ijeoma Umebinyuo which says:
“So, here you are
too foreign for home
too foreign for here.
Never enough for both.”
I could highly relate to that because it describes my situation. I felt foreign in my home – as if there was more that I needed to find or become – while I am still a foreigner here in France too, a place still very strange to me. However, I left home with all the stories, the experiences, the tears, the laughter, and the situations that made me the person I am today.
I studied in Libya my entire life and I graduated from there. My life there and what I went through shaped me greatly, but home wasn’t enough for me. I never saw myself staying in a single place. I live now in a place where I can practice life normally but I am still a foreigner.
This experience is giving me the chance to discover myself better and to grow. To me, a home is not a single place, a home is a feeling. It is a sense of comfort, peace, and happiness. I found my happiness and my comfort here and, in one way or another, Paris has a piece of my story in it, and it will always have a special place in my heart. But I am sure it won’t be the last place for me to call home.
Nevertheless, I think that home is every place I went to and made a memory in. My birthplace and home country will always be part of me, and the love I have for Tripoli and our traditions is still present in the making of my being, but it doesn’t make me any less of a citizen of Libya just because I left. I am, maybe, in the pursuit of the place I would eventually call the ultimate home, but maybe my ultimate home is this world we live in.
– Malak Altaeb, from Libya, living in Paris.
Malak Altaeb (@meko_eko) is an Environmental Policy Masters student at Sciences Po University in Paris, France. She has a bachelor’s degree in Chemical Engineering from University of Tripoli in Libya. She participated in the MENA Academy on climate diplomacy with Konrad Adenauer Stiftung (KAS) and MEDRC in Berlin, Germany. She participated in two exchange programs in the United States of America; the first one was Space Camp 2010, and the Middle East Partnership Initiative MEPI 2015. She participated in civic society projects in different fields, such as youth and women empowerment, climate change, and art. She is now a member of the Libyan Youth Climate Movement LYCM. She is a blogger and has written for different domains and magazines. She has written for sister-hood magazine, climate tracker, Libya's Herald, Libyan Express, Ascends Magazine, and Unootha Magazine. She is an advocate for women empowerment, youth, education, and climate change.
Twitter: @MalakLibya1