Excerpts From My Quarantine Journal
BY AMAL ALNAUIMI
11 May 2020
back when life was normal, and my days were under the mercy of my tight schedule of university and constant work, i used to come back home at the end of the day wishing for a simple, silent, solitary life (not forever, just a few weeks) of reading constantly, all day and night, finding myself at the end of a book that i’d only started on the same day. now i can have that.
i have no excuse to not be reading assiduously — like my life and sanity dependent on it — for the next 4 months of this vacationless summer..
12 May 2020
i’m out walking. the clock just hit 940pm. curfew is approaching.
13 May 2020
the details of my day are not worth mentioning. it was no different than yesterday and the day before and the one before that.
Photograph courtesy of Amal Alnauimi.
14 May 2020
it’s 9pm. i haven’t left the room today. my phone is off and far from reach. the lights are dim. i'm lying on the couch, facing two screens. one to watch my show and one to read my ebook. i read two Arabic books of poetry last night. i’ll likely do the same tonight. it feels nice to read and watch at the same time. i just want to escape the world and the clock and get lost in my own world of semi-solitude with the company of those screens.
15 May 2020
i’m spending the late hours watching an awesome British crime show called Broadchurch. it’s a good distraction from everything that’s happening, and not happening...
16 May 2020
at 6, i went for a peaceful walk. now it’s almost 9 and i’m enjoying my night with Broadchurch and an ebook (just started Letters to a Young Poet, which i’ll probably finish in an hour or so cause it’s tiny and contains such beautiful words — i’ve already attacked every single page with my virtual pink highlighter.)
17 May 2020
i miss my life. my other life. my bigger life. my active, lively life. this one feels small and predictable. while my normal life was also quite predictable, at least it had some element of spontaneity, of seeing other people, of enjoying my solitude in the company of fellow solitary beings..
18 May 2020
i’m wasting so much time doing nothing but waiting for time to pass.
19 May 2020
i just want this all to be over.
20 May 2020
mild headache all evening till the morning. did nothing except watch and read. couldn’t go on my evening joyride because the national sanitization thing got brought up to start at 8pm instead of 10. only saw the light on my afternoon walk. other than that i was engrossed in the darkness of my mind.
21 May 2020
fine day filled with blessings too enormous and too tiny and too many to enter my limited field of awareness. i read my books and watched my shows and sat with my family.
22 May 2020
... speaking of dreams, i had a weird dream a while ago that i still vividly remember (months probably, but what’s time in this quarantine..?) i usually forget my dreams after a while (if not on the same day), but this one has stuck with me ever since. perhaps if i wrote it down it will dwindle and fade from memory..
23 May 2020
today i started writing a list of 100 things i love. guess what was at the top of it? this: ‘being at a café, reading, writing, typing away at my laptop.’
will normal life stop torturing me with its memories..!
Photograph courtesy of Amal Alnauimi.
25 May 2020
i rose from my self-created grave and went for a drive this afternoon (coffee from last exit). it was unusually crowded. the whole nation seems to be starving for human connection and a shared sense of community. every single car i passed by amidst the traffic was driven by a person who was more occupied with looking at others’ faces through the windshields of their fancy cars than with driving safely. they even fully stopped at road bumps just to look at each other! it’s hilarious!
isn’t it quite exceptional that we derive such immense pleasure from something as simple as driving around and grabbing food or drinks for the ride? who was i kidding when i thought i didn’t belong to this place and its people?! i may be different but i sure as hell have peculiar things in common with everyone!
26 May 2020
the passage of time and the constant change it brings is one of God’s most merciful blessings. irrespective of whether the change was pleasant or shocking, just the fact that a change is always looming around the corner is enough of a relief and a dose of hope to carry on through whatever adversity one faces. this year just keeps coming at us with unimaginable shifts and we never cease to be surprised by our human superpower of accommodating and adapting to these previously unthinkable situations..
27 May 2020
the world opens up today. in other words, Dubai’s streets will be bustling with life from 6am till 11pm. the plot twist is that i, being an Ajman resident, in addition to having to pass by Sharjah to go to Dubai or come back home, still must abide by the 8pm curfew.
28 May 2020
most my days are good, but today had a special smoothness to it.
29 May 2020
news outlets are reporting news other than the virus.. it’s horrifying that part of me is taking that as a sign that the world is getting back to normal.. yet what normal is that..? destruction and violence and racism and disgusting politics..
1 June 2020
new month. lots of hope... oh how i’ve missed those days of spending hours at a café, reading and writing and savoring my solitude among the company of strangers..!
Photograph courtesy of Amal Alnauimi.
2 June 2020
last night i was thinking about when this “Quarantine Diary” ends..
3 June 2020
it’s 1115pm. i feel empty. and alone.
4 June 2020
i’m not okay. i need my life. i have part of it. more than half. but i’m human and i’m made of mud and greed and i want it all.
5 June 2020
the world is unbelievable. horrible things are happening right now. even worse than the virus. corona is lingering in the background as worse things take the spotlight. people are suffering. but we’re also brought together in our fight for equality, in which we must all stand in solidarity. i am not as educated about what’s happening in the world right now and the history behind it as i should be. part of me wants to stay in isolation, in ignorance, far from the pain and violence and unfairness of the world. the childish voice within me thinks that maybe if i didn’t know about it, then it wouldn’t be happening. i wish it was that simple.. but evil has been dominating for way too long and we no longer have the luxury of ignorance nor the option of staying silent.
6 June 2020
today was externally good, but in the inner world of my mind, thorns and claws and canines were poking and stabbing and eating away at me.
7 June 2020
it seems to me the first and last moments of my days are the hardest. in the former i feel the weight of an entire day ahead, and the possibility of utter failure and consequent low mood; and in the latter, i get caught up in contemplation about when i should turn off the lights, only to lie in bed anxiously waiting for sleep to rescue me from my tirelessly chattering mind.
what about the hours in between, you ask? deafening silence and a merciless solitude bordering on torturous loneliness.
Photograph courtesy of Amal Alnauimi.
Amal Alnuaimi is a writer and Psychology student at Zayed University. You can find more of her work on her blog (https://wordsunderthemoon.com) and instagram (https://www.instagram.com/aa.reads/).