On Swallowing Seeds
BY SALMA AHMED
Illustration by Manar (@postcardtoself)
As a child, I vividly remember my classmates warning me that if I swallowed a fruit seed, the fruit would grow inside my stomach. This had a lasting impact on me; thus, a fear of swallowing seeds developed. I spent my entire life picking out seeds from lemons, even today, at an age where I am supposed to recall this childhood memory with laughter and a shake of the head, while talking about how sweet and precious childhood innocence can be.
When I was first prescribed antidepressants, my mind wandered to that childhood fear. What if, instead of a fruit growing inside me, I grow to become an entirely different person? What if this pill plants a monstrous human being? I knew I was being illogical. I can’t compare literal seeds to pills. Even if I could, there is no guarantee that swallowing a seed would make fruit grow inside me. But why did I insist on this example? Why did I let a childhood phobia guide me and decide what I have to do? I sometimes take metaphors as “signs,” and it has promised me nothing but chaos in my life.
I think about it some more. I start to consider the other, unexplored what-ifs: what if it also serves as a metaphor in a positive way? What if I swallow this seed, and I grow to become a better, healthier person? What if it plants qualities I’ve never possessed before?
I decide to swallow it. When I think of this metaphor, it’s funny, because how can one swallow a seed? How does that work? It feels like I’m breaking some sort of law, and I remind myself that perhaps I am. Perhaps I don’t have to adhere to every single rule, because what works for others might not work for me. Nothing is straightforward anymore.
Months have gone by, and I have been on these pills ever since. I feel lighter and everything is much clearer. I also fall in love with my senses; everything becomes so delicious, harmonious, and colorful. Just like how a seed grows to become a fruit, ripe and delicious by nature, these pills plant new and serene thoughts in my mind. These pills are my guiding light—they are the seeds I needed all along to grow and become nourished.
As I stare at the plants outside my window, I feel a fondness, an affection, towards them. I have never really been fascinated with plants. Sure, I have a favorite flower, as one does, but I have never really paid attention to them.
I find it amusing how, in a way, an analogy saved my life. I have always been one to turn natural phenomena into metaphors, often scolding myself for being absurd. It had never occurred to me that it might serve me one day, but truly, who rivals nature when it comes to wisdom?
I can’t help but feel a newfound appreciation for seeds; a sudden wave of compassion engulfs me. One never looks twice at a seed, but will stop and admire a plant, often forgetting its roots. In fact, some will deem seeds as dangerous, while simultaneously disregarding their contribution to a plant’s growth, but that’s subjective. I stare at my own pack of seeds, and I feel controversial yet determined and hopeful, ready for the next stage.
Salma Ahmed (@glttrgelpen) is a psychology student from Abu Dhabi. She has had a lifelong relationship with writing and is passionate about literature and mental health. When she's not writing, you'll likely find her playing The Sims or obsessing over future plans.